Traffic Jam Diaries : 1

-

July 30th, 2009

by Jared Hahne

Skinny Jeans on men.

Yes, they make it impossible to fart because they’re squeezing your cheeks together with a pressure that’s unachievable in any other way, but other than that, I fail to see any advantage to wearing them. They reduce sperm count, they make you look like you’re constantly on the verge of falling down, and they’re difficult put on without lubricant. And they don’t look good. On you. Oh, sure, they might have looked semi-normal on a Scandanavian named Aero and a Swede named Yan, but other than that, no. It’s like Gary Oldham’s hair in the Fifth Element. Sure, he could pull it off. But could anybody else?

Any comedy with Vince Vaughn, Ben Stiller, or Will Ferrell.

Likably clueless guys who get hit in the crotch and learn to overcome a measure of their idiocy (but only a tiny bit) for love are easy money. I get it already.

WTF.

I mean, WTF is up with WTF? It’s ruined the whole phrase. That phrase used to mean something! It used to be that only the baddest-a$$ kids in school would say that. That’s how you knew who to be afraid of. It’s how the social hierarchy was kept in order. But now it’s been reduced to three fairly benign letters that everyone and their little sister will use. WTF?!

Glossy logos.

It’s like putting bacon on crap. That first bit is tasty, but after that… You just can’t hide the taste of crap. Or skanky clothes on a marginally attractive (at best) woman. Oh, I know you looked, but you regretted it, didn’t you? Because your more attractive, more classy and more liked-by-your-parents-and-friends girlfriend saw you look, and now she’s gone.

And glossy does not automatically mean “web 2.0″. It usually means “I have no idea what the mission or brand of my company is, so I’m going to make things shiny and hope they attract the easily amused.” Problem with that is the easily amused aren’t very loyal. Go figure.

Oh, I’m sure they’re appropriate every once in a while; nearly everything is. But, like my momma always used to say, if your friends all dressed in women’s clothing, would you? I admit I’ve done a few such logos myself, at the behest of client demands (and always presented next to much more appropriate brands for their company that would last longer than the next couple of years when “Glossy” goes out of style). Yes, I did them, but, like those whose job is putting dogs to sleep, a little bit of me died that day because I knew I was doing something very, very wrong, and I’ll never get that part of me back.